An Old Man's Rappor (Lolz)


See, I was heading to a friend's house earlier in the week and since taxis and transport buses do not take that rout, I had to go on foot to the main road so I could take a bus.

On the way, I got to a welder's workshop but before I could walk past, an elderly man dressed in shorts and a white T-shirt called out to me. He was sitting with the welder when he called.

"Sister abeg no vex I wan talk to you." He said.

I looked up at him and seeing he was elderly, I decided to respect him. I stood where I was and waited for him to come to me which he did. As soon as he got to where I stood, he said,

"I beg sister no vex say I stop you o! I wan tell you something but since I know say you dey go somewhere, make we dey waka dey go, I go tell you."

I agreed because frankly I was running late but at the same time, I wondered what he wanted to tell me. Some elderly and even young men and women have one time or the other stopped me on the way to ask for financial assistance. If I have extra change on me, I give. If I don't, I simply tell them,

"e no dey."

In the case of this man, I was wondering what he wanted to ask for. Even though I was well dressed I knew that I didn't carry enough change with me. All I took was my transport fare and some extra cash to buy one or two things along the way.

So as we walked along, the man started his rappor.

"You see sister" He began, "My name na Festus."

I don't remember if that was the name he called himself but we can make do with that name for this write up.

"I dey stay this upstairs when dey for back here." He continued. Although he pointed out the place, I didn't bother to look in the direction he was pointing at.

"Na me get the four flat when dey there. I rent 3 out, e come remain 1. Na that one I dey stay."

I no ask for that information before o! How I'm I not sure he was just the caretaker there? Lolz. Now let me continue his rappor without interrupting.

"See" he continued. "I come from polygamous house and I no like am na em make I no fit marry more than one woman. I dey work for one office for slope here. Dem dey pay me well. I get money. See, no be only you done pass here. I don see plenty but you, you be matured babe that's why I say make I talk to you. See, I no go fit tell you everything here. We go complete am for phone."

"For where?" I asked with a frown.

"For telephone. You go give me your phone number and I go call you."

At this point my eyebrows shot up. "Huh?? Who does he think he's talking to? A ten years old child?"

"See I wan tell you this." He continued but my mind already grabbed the gist. At that point I knew where he was going with his talk. "I never marry. I no get wife and I no get children." He said to convince himself, not me.

Lolz. No wife and children on top all that grey hair I saw? Na wa o!

"I no go hurt you" He continued, "I go obey you. Anything you want I go give you. If you dey do business or you be student you no go worry because I go take care of you."

At this point, I tried to be angry but I couldn't. I just kept smiling. At some point I actually laughed out loud. People who were walking past thought  the man was cracking jokes with me. It was just too funny. Even if he was young, whoever said I needed a man to care for my financial needs? I no get hand to work? Or I'm I not making my own money? Anyway, as one who has been thought to respect my elders, I tried to do that so I simply told him to forget the whole idea. It wasn't even going to be possible. Unfortunately, he saw my smile and thought I was playing hard to get.

"But you no fit try me? Just two weeks ehn? Try me for two weeks, you go see say I be better man"

"Oga!" I stressed. "I dey respect you o! That's why I say forget the idea. E no go ever happen. Go meet your wife and children for house."

"Phone number unko?" He asked with a pleading voice.

"No! I said firmly. I no dey give you."

"Okay. Bye bye." He said looking sad.


"Bye bye." I replied and continued on my journey. As I went along, lolz, I kept smiling to myself. The whole thing was completely comical to me. I may be single but please o! Who said I needed an old man? By the way, I have heard different lines guys use when trying to woo a lady, but this? This was all new to me and very funny because of the way he went about it. Like he was scared to talk and then at some point, he was actually saying things as if I had said yes sir, I will be your second, third or fourth madam.

By the time I got to my friend's house, I told her what happened and she was like,

"Taaa!!! What is wrong with old men these days?"

She then explained that an old man wanted to do same with her but she simply ignored him and walked away.

"You tried o!" She said. "If it was me, I would insult his life. Since he doesn't want to respect himself, then I will not respect him.

Lolz. The scene makes me laugh or smile each time I remember it. What about you ladies? Has any old man rapped for you before? Please share your own experience.

Note: Happy New Month to you all. Wish you the best now and always.

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